Tuesday, July 30, 2013

A note to my Mistress with a few random thoughts

I sent this note to my mistress yesterday. Much of this she knows, but was worth repeating, while some other areas she "kinda knows" but I felt it was worth underscoring. Communication is key to any successful relationship, and a D/s one is no different.



Dear Mistress,

When you glare at me and say “who are you talking to?”, it may stop the current behavior in its tracks, but it’s also code for “I’m going to give you another chance”, because you rarely punish me at these times.

When you do give me another chance, I can’t help but to push for a third, fourth, or fifth etc. It’s human nature.

A true “zero tolerance” policy will amaze you in how it will change my behavior.

When you say “I’m going to punish you tonight” it does little to curb my behavior “now”.

I don’t want to feel pain, to crawl, to eat kale, or endure anything else unpleasant. I don’t even necessarily want to “voluntarily” serve you. What I NEED is to have my subservience to you imposed by your force of will. To me, that’s the very definition of “slave”.

While I often tell you that “I exist to serve you” what I really mean is: “I exist to be used (and/or abused) by you”.

Many of the things you have asked me to do, my body has not wanted to do, but when worded as an order or an expectation, my mind has the final say.

Control my mind, and you’ll control my body.

You’ve only scratched the surface on how hard I can be pushed. If you ever decided to experiment with this, the results might surprise you.

Every single time you might have heard me “complain” about being kept in chastity, has only been an attempt openly acknowledge the power you have over me. When you bring me to the edge of orgasm, and laugh at my frustration as you roll over to sleep, it is music to my ears. In a strange way, experiencing that kind of extreme dominance, is like orgasm of another sort.

The same goes for being resistant when you’ve asked me to do things for you. Yes, I sometimes challenge you, but when I do push, it’s only because I need to feel you push even harder. I don’t just need to “be” wrapped around your finger, and living under your thumb, I need for you to relish and flaunt my inability to disobey you, as well.

Whether it's sexual denial, or simply making me work when I've already put in a full day and am truly tired, the last thing in the world I want is for you to “feel sorry for me”. I actually want the exact opposite.

I need to sometimes resist you, even if we both know that you will ultimately conquer me every time.

When you “take” you pull an inner trigger that makes me want to “give”.

You have no idea how sexually attracted I am to you. That sex appeal is a big contributor in the power you have over me. You are a goddess to me.

I only get bratty when I don’t feel your control. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help it.

I feel that the punishment should never “fit the crime”. It should always be 10 times as severe.

When you’re hitting me and I’m able to stop or delay the punishment, it’s me that’s in control. I wish that weren’t the case, but it is.

Right now, I’d say that I usually give you at least 90% and am only punished when I fall below 70%. But I think that it would enhance both our lives if those numbers were 99.9% and 99%. In other words, it would suit me wonderfully, if you were to expect perfection, and showed your wrath if I fell even a little bit short.

I want to feel like I’m being “kept on my toes” at all times. So when we’re cuddling in bed and being all lovey-dovey, it shouldn’t be unheard of for you to make me do a dozen laps (note: she often makes me do a circuit of the house on my hands and knees, usually reciting aloud the reason why I'm being punished in this manner), or be ordered to spend the night on the floor, only because I hesitated when you ordered me to get you a drink earlier. Not that you’d be doing this all the time, but I do need to know that you are capable of giving out severe punishments at times, even if it’s “because you feel like it”.

The more you make me suffer, and the more selfishly you force me to serve you, the deeper my love for you becomes, and the more intently I feel your love for me.

I don’t fear you, but I wish I did.

I don’t want you to think that I need to be in “slave mode” 24/7. I don’t. I usually want to be your loving husband, and strong protector. I want to laugh with you, enjoy our family together, and embrace life with you. But I do need to know that there is always a demanding, cruel, dominant and even vicious  and sadistic mistress bubbling beneath the surface. One who will show her wrath and treat me like the slave I am, if I slip up even a little.

Words cannot describe how desperately I need you, and how deeply I love you.

Always,

J